Journal Entry: August 7, 2023

Being a Kid with Adult Money is Hard

when I was a kid work equated to money. so i personally knew that when I worked hard enough I would be compensated for it.

I believe I was at my lowest mental point when I was working two jobs and having a pursuing my degree with full time credits. Now that I’m finishing school and I’m unemployed I feel different about working.

I understand that working is needed for the rest of my life. I’ve physically accepted it. I’ve noticed and learned from my consequences but I don’t know if I've accepted it mentally.

I want to have my adult money and be able to use it how ever I want. However, I have responsibilities, goals and dreams that require my attention.

I remember once seeing someone say “I wish I didn’t have any dreams”

I remember someone saying “I have no thoughts” and I told them “how”…

I’m constantly thinking about my own thoughts. My thoughts have thoughts so I could not comprehend someone not having thoughts. But now I think I understand how this could apply to my own life.

Although, I do have thoughts of my own and I am prone to overthinking I do believe I can use this to my advantage to plan out my own possible depressive or manic episodes before then come.

In therapy there was a term of borrowing time. I absolutely feel that when I overthink I am borrowing time from my future self. Why bother thinking about the future if I don’t want to prepare for the future? To come to this conclusion I’ve had a lot of set backs with my money habits.

closing accounts because of overdraft fees I can’t afford, spending money on foods that never gave me any energy or confidence and not considering life could happen.

I mean life can do whatever it wants. I have ultimately no control on where or when life will take me on a new path. I’m now acknowledging this but at the same time, I despise this new knowledge.

Like I had mentioned before, while writing this I am in my last week of university still struggling with my relationship with money. earlier I planned out what it would take to get to my goal of moving out and it will take a lot of work to be able to get there. The work…

Finishing school to me should be an accomplishment- an investment my econ teacher would say but it feels like a life long burden. My degree hovering over me as I apply for McDonalds in desperation has to take a toll on your mental health, right? It does for me. I feel lost in my passions, my dreams, my needs and my identity.

Associating work with money has ruined my perception of my job as a journalist. I’ve never really cared about a career that will produce my a lavish life. I only want to have a job that will help the lives of others. I’ve come to conclusion that being a journalist has a different definition to my identity. While it is a occupation, I believe the integrity of a journalist is attributed to who I am as a person.

It gives me hope coming to this realization daily. I hope that my transparency, honesty of my downfalls will give others a voice in their own faults.

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